Working with the Enemy: How to Survive and Thrive with Really Difficult People

Copyright\n......Page 5
Table of contents\n......Page 6
Preface......Page 13
Acknowledgements......Page 14
Introduction......Page 16
Part 1 First things first: The Ten Essential Survival Strategies for Keeping Cool in the Heat of Battle......Page 18
Twenty Questions......Page 19
A Great Fact is ‘I Don’t Know’......Page 22
Be Open and Honest......Page 23
Be Specific, Don’t Generalize......Page 24
Don’t be Negative......Page 25
Have your Say Calmly and Effectively......Page 26
Only Challenge Gently......Page 28
So you Think that Nothing will Help?......Page 29
Speak Their Language......Page 31
Take Yourself Seriously......Page 32
2 Essential Survival Strategy 2: Keep Things Real and in Perspective......Page 34
Don’t Assume that Everyone Should Get on Well Together......Page 35
It May Not be your Fault......Page 36
It’s Good to Feel Bad, in a Controlled Way......Page 38
It’s Natural to Feel Scared......Page 39
Pause. Take Time.......Page 40
Prepare for Tomorrow and Next Week......Page 42
How to Say ‘No’ Nicely......Page 44
Make Sure there are at Least Three Options......Page 45
The Power of Stating the Obvious......Page 46
Avoid Uncomfortable Language......Page 48
Brush them Aside, Put them Behind you......Page 49
Stop Imagining the Worst, by Generating Choices......Page 50
Stop Thinking of Them as an ‘Enemy’ and They’ll Stop Feeling Like One......Page 51
BULLYING......Page 54
Are they Getting at you Intentionally?......Page 55
Check if Others are being Affected......Page 56
Systemic Bullying......Page 57
STOP FEELING DUMPED ON IN THE NAME OF ‘DELEGATION’......Page 58
Get them to Delegate, Not Dump......Page 59
7 Essential Survival Strategy 7: Don’t Automatically Believe Other People......Page 62
BEWARE GOOD ADVICE......Page 63
Getting and Using Advice......Page 64
QUESTION EVERYTHING......Page 66
Beware Little Red Riding Hood (ie Beware ‘Good Advice\' Masquerading as ‘Truth’)......Page 67
Beware So-Called Wisdom......Page 69
Address Issues Before they Grow Big and Scary......Page 74
Keep Past Events in the Past......Page 76
9 Essential Survival Strategy 9: Don’t Take it Personally – Take it ‘Behaviourally’ Instead......Page 78
Keep Focused on the Task Professionally, Not Emotionally......Page 79
Take Things Behaviourally Instead of Personally: the Neurological Levels......Page 80
ESSENTIAL SURVIVAL STRATEGIES FOR EACH NEUROLOGICAL LEVEL......Page 83
Avoid ‘To Do’ Lists......Page 88
Change your Posture to Change how you Feel......Page 89
Don’t Let Them Get to You......Page 90
Find a Way to Live with it......Page 91
Get Lots of Support and Supporters......Page 92
Get a Coach and/or Mentor......Page 93
It’s Only Human to be Human......Page 94
Stay Open-Minded......Page 95
Stop Taking Yourself Literally......Page 96
Take the Controls Instead of Looking like a Victim......Page 97
Thoughts vs Feelings – the Great Self-Destructive Battleground......Page 98
Trust Your Instincts......Page 100
Turn Goliath into David......Page 101
Part 2 The Fifteen Toughest Types of ‘Enemy’, with Survive and Thrive Strategies......Page 102
11 Type 1: People Who Bully......Page 104
12 Type 2: People Who Put their own Needs First......Page 108
13 Type 3: People Who are Hard to Connect with......Page 110
14 Type 4: People Who are Out of their Depth......Page 112
15 Type 5: People Who Meddle......Page 116
16 Type 6: People Who are Fickle......Page 118
17 Type 7: People Who are Unlike Me......Page 122
18 Type 8: People Who are Like Me......Page 124
19 Type 9: People Who are Close to Me......Page 126
20 Type 10: Me Myself......Page 128
21 Type 11: Everybody Else......Page 130
22 Type 12: People Who Regard Me as a Type, Not a Person......Page 132
23 Type 13: People Who \'Change\' Me......Page 134
24 Type 14: People Who Bring out the Rescuer in Me......Page 136
25 Type 15: People Who Bring out the Rebel in Me, the Worst in Me......Page 138
INTRODUCTION......Page 140
26 Top Tips for Information Gathering......Page 142
THE ENEMY......Page 146
KNOW YOUR ENEMY......Page 147
AND WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM?......Page 150
GETTING NEW PERSPECTIVES BY BEING IN OTHER PEOPLE’S SHOES......Page 151
KNOWING THE CURRENT CLIMATE WE’RE ALL WORKING IN......Page 154
WHAT ARE MY HIDDEN BELIEFS THAT ARE HOLDING ME BACK?......Page 155
MY BEST BELIEFS ARE…......Page 156
ROLES......Page 157
AND FINALLY......Page 158
INTRODUCTION......Page 160
28 Getting your Goal Plan Ready......Page 162
Daydream Out to your Right......Page 163
YOUR GOAL PLAN......Page 164
GETTING FAMILIAR WITH THE OUTCOME FROM YOUR GOAL PLAN......Page 166
Invite Other People’s Ideas......Page 167
Make Sure you’re Getting What you Want......Page 169
29 Making your Goal Plan Happen and Getting What you Want......Page 170
KEEP PLAYING WITH YOUR GOAL......Page 171
CONSIDER SOMETHING DIFFERENT THIS TIME......Page 172
If in Doubt, Say or Do Nothing......Page 173
If the Situation was Public, Do It in Private......Page 174
If the Situation was Private, Do It in Public......Page 175
If the Situation is very Emotional, ‘Go Formal’......Page 176
GETTING YOUR ACTIONS IN ORDER......Page 177
Whistleblowing......Page 180
Think Carefully about Involving HR......Page 181
Getting out may Truly be your Best Option......Page 182
And Now Review Again the Part 1 and Part 2 Strategies and Tips…......Page 185
Index......Page 186