Two Jews Can Still Be a Mixed Marriage: Reconciling Differences Over Judaism in Your Marriage

Two Jews Can Still Be a Mixed Marriage......Page 4
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS......Page 6
CONTENTS......Page 8
FOREWORD......Page 10
Teshuva......Page 15
Not Too Jewish, Please . . .......Page 16
Should I Order the Shrimp?......Page 17
"You Want Me to Do What!"......Page 18
Respecting Individual Preferences......Page 20
Identities Disguised......Page 21
Gay and Lesbian Couples......Page 22
PART I— UNDERSTANDING WHAT SHAPES YOUR JEWISH IDENTITIES......Page 24
What Is a "Jewish Home"?......Page 25
We Are All "Intermarried"......Page 26
Jewish Reawakening Stirs up Many Marriages......Page 27
Disagreeing Is So . . . Jewish......Page 28
Resolving Conflict in a Jewish Way......Page 30
Merging Two Spiritual Journeys......Page 31
Dealing with the Fear in Your Marriage......Page 32
2— Who Are You as a Jew?......Page 35
Theological Beliefs......Page 36
The Limitations of Denominational Labels......Page 37
The Misconceptions......Page 39
What Distinguishes Orthodoxy?......Page 40
The Misconceptions......Page 41
What Distinguishes Conservative Judaism?......Page 42
More Accurately . . .......Page 43
What Distinguishes Reform Judaism?......Page 44
What Distinguishes Reconstructionism?......Page 45
More Accurately . . .......Page 46
What Distinguishes Jewish Renewal?......Page 47
What Distinguishes Secular Humanism?......Page 48
Looking at What Happened Jewishly in Your Childhood......Page 50
Who Were the Influential Teachers?......Page 51
Positive Jewish Memories......Page 52
Unhappy Jewish Memories......Page 54
Merging Two Spiritual Journeys......Page 55
Try This!: Write Your Spiritual Autobiography......Page 56
Try This!: Remember What We Have in Common as Jews......Page 58
Try This!: Shift the Focus from Method to Goal......Page 60
Try This!: Describe Your Jewish Differences......Page 62
When Did Conflict First Arise?......Page 63
Four Approaches to Resolving Jewish Conflicts......Page 64
Mark and Julie......Page 65
Julie's and Mark's Greatest Challenges......Page 66
Eli and Carol......Page 67
Chaim and Rivkah......Page 69
Chaim's and Rivkah's Greatest Challenges......Page 70
Bob and Sarah......Page 71
Bob's and Sarah's Greatest Challenges......Page 72
Sometimes Jewish Conflicts Are Really about Other Issues......Page 73
Jewish Conflict Can Strengthen Your Marriage......Page 76
5— Seven Principles for Positive Communication......Page 78
Principle One: Avoid Hostile Arguments about Denominations and Theology......Page 79
Try This!: Ask for What You Want......Page 81
Don't Try to Be Your Spouse's Rabbi or Therapist......Page 82
Principle Two: Address Your Mate's Concerns and Understand His or Her Perspective......Page 83
Principle Three: Make Sure That Any Solution Addresses the Real Underlying Issues......Page 85
Principle Four: Find Your Own Reasons for Observing Jewish Practice That Your Spouse Favors......Page 88
Principle Five: Replace Complaints and Attacks with Requests......Page 89
Principle Six: Pick Your Battles and Identify Your "10s"......Page 91
Principle Seven: Treat Your Spouse with Kindness and Respect......Page 92
Don't Expect Too Much, Too Fast......Page 93
Engage in Loving Activities That Nurture Your Relationship......Page 94
Remember Your Wedding Vows......Page 95
PART II— WORKING OUT YOUR DIFFERENCES......Page 97
6— Synagogue......Page 98
Determining What You Want in a Synagogue......Page 99
Belonging to More Than One Synagogue or Chavurah......Page 102
Choosing to Relocate......Page 103
Choosing to Live with Limited Choices......Page 105
When One of You Goes to Synagogue and the Other Does Not......Page 107
When One of You Goes to Synagogue Reluctantly......Page 110
Convincing Your Spouse to Go to Synagogue with You......Page 113
Convincing Your Spouse to Allow You to Go to Synagogue......Page 117
Should You Force Your Children to Attend Synagogue?......Page 120
Adult Jewish Study Can Change Your Life—And Your Marriage......Page 122
The Pros and Cons......Page 125
When the Answer Is Pro, Which School or Camp?......Page 126
How Not to Negotiate a Jewish Holiday......Page 130
Crying "It's Not Fair!"......Page 131
Five Strategies to Minimize Holiday Conflicts......Page 132
The Length of the Seder......Page 135
Leader's and Participants' Roles......Page 136
Whether to Break with Family-of-Origin Customs......Page 138
Whether to Be Observant during the Entire Week of Passover......Page 139
Synagogue: To Go or Not to Go......Page 141
Yom Kippur: To Fast or Not to Fast......Page 143
Competing with Christmas......Page 144
Participating in Christmas Celebrations......Page 145
What Does Sabbath Observance Look Like?......Page 147
Sabbath Observance: Constraint or Opportunity?......Page 148
What Were the Sabbaths of Your Childhood Like?......Page 149
Friday Night:......Page 150
Saturday:......Page 151
Negotiating with Kids about Sabbath Observance......Page 159
10— Jewish Life-Cycle Events......Page 162
Honor the Most Basic Religious Needs of Your Spouse......Page 164
Don't Nag......Page 165
Know When to Compromise and When to Say No......Page 166
Focus on the Spiritual......Page 168
Do You Agree on What to Do for Your Daughters?......Page 169
Working Out Differences about Handling Death......Page 170
Kosher Practices in Modern Times......Page 175
Resistance to Kashrut......Page 176
Styles of Kashrut......Page 177
Developing a Kosher System That Works for You......Page 179
When You Want a Kosher Home and Your Spouse Refuses......Page 180
Experiment before You Decide......Page 183
Kosher Kid......Page 185
Is It Okay to Lie to Your Kids about Kosher Food?......Page 187
Do's......Page 188
Don'ts......Page 189
Dealing with Your Extended Family......Page 190
Blessing Your Food......Page 192
Fasting......Page 193
The Laws of Mikvah......Page 194
Men's Resistance to Mikvah......Page 195
"I Don't Want to Go If We Are Done Having Children"......Page 196
"I Don't Want to Get Pregnant"......Page 197
"Abstaining from Sex Makes My Husband Grumpy"......Page 198
Motivations for Doing Mikvah......Page 199
For the Wife......Page 202
When a Spouse Refuses to Do Mikvah......Page 203
13— Expanding Observance in Nonthreatening Ways......Page 205
22 Ways to Expand Your Jewish Identity......Page 206
This, Too, Is for the Best......Page 210
Finding the Perfect Mate Is a Miracle......Page 212
Riding on the Same Train......Page 213
Books......Page 215
Jewish Education and Counseling......Page 216
Jewish Resources......Page 218
Synagogue Offices......Page 219
Rabbis and Cantors......Page 221
Jewish Individuals, Couples, and Experts Interviewed......Page 223
BIBLIOGRAPHY......Page 224
ABOUT THE AUTHOR......Page 227
C......Page 228
I......Page 229
P......Page 230
S......Page 231
Z......Page 232