The barbershop seven: the complete Barney Thomson novels

Table Of Contents......Page 2
The Barbershop Seven......Page 3
The Long Midnight of Barney Thomson......Page 4
 Prologue......Page 6
 The English Are Bastards......Page 8
 Customers Must Have Hair......Page 15
 The Lure Of The Flashing Blue Light......Page 24
 Death Row......Page 32
 Alas, Poor Nietzsche, I Knew Him, Bill......Page 41
 The New Merlot......Page 52
 A Pair Of Breasts......Page 62
 The Accidental Barber Surgeon......Page 65
 Garbage Removal......Page 73
 Forgive Me, Mother, For I Have Sinned......Page 86
 When Did You Last See Your Enthusiasm?......Page 95
 Interview With A Barber......Page 101
 The Freezer Full Of Neatly Packaged Meat......Page 113
 Dead Mum Stalking......Page 120
 Last In Line......Page 125
 Jolene Stabs Billy Ray Bob Billy Bob......Page 134
 Russian Toilets......Page 140
 The Obvious Freezer......Page 145
 The Set-Up Comedian......Page 155
 The Pregnant Escape......Page 162
 Waste Disposal......Page 167
 Where The Detectives Go......Page 171
 A Prayer For Cemolina Thomson......Page 178
 The Anthony Hopkins......Page 184
 The Queen of Diamonds......Page 190
 The Haunting Of Barney Thomson......Page 198
 Let Me Die Right Here In My Shoes......Page 205
 Reservoir Frogs......Page 211
 Epilogue......Page 220
The Barber Surgeon's Hairshirt......Page 226
 A Chronologically Disadvantaged Prologue......Page 227
 That Old Dead Cow......Page 231
 A Load Of Balzac......Page 241
 Drama At Patagonia Heights......Page 252
 That Whole Life Thing......Page 258
 We Will All Lie in the Same Grave......Page 262
 We Are All One Egg......Page 273
 Is He Is, Or Is He Ain't......Page 283
 The Barber Surgeon's Hairshirt......Page 293
 Where Are You, Barney Thomson?......Page 302
 SPECTRE......Page 315
 Life. Death. Socks.......Page 323
 Uma Thurman Serves Barney A Beer. Naked.......Page 333
 A Good Place For A Serial Killer......Page 339
 The Penitent Men Kneel Before God......Page 348
 The Sex Issue......Page 356
 Come In To My Parlour......Page 367
 The Busted Gearbox Blues......Page 376
 Hiding In The Shadows......Page 385
 Big Davie The Plough......Page 392
 Along Came A Spider......Page 401
 Derailment......Page 409
 Cold Meat Pie......Page 416
 The Monk Who Came In From The Cold......Page 430
 The Dip......Page 443
 A Hard Snow Falls......Page 451
 Frankenstein......Page 457
 The Knight Of The Long Knives......Page 462
 Good Day Sunshine......Page 473
 Carnival Of Death......Page 488
 Barney Thomson Must Die......Page 494
 A Walk In The Hills......Page 499
 Hall Of Fame......Page 513
 Getting Very Near The End, And We'd Like To Thank You All For Coming......Page 524
 The Bloody, Bitter End......Page 530
 An Ordinary Man......Page 543
Murderers Anonymous......Page 550
 It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas......Page 551
 My Name Is Billy......Page 554
 Larry Bellows Sings The Blues......Page 563
 My Name Is Barney......Page 571
 An Instance In The Life Of Blue Hawaii......Page 577
 My Name Is Socrates......Page 579
 A New Beginning......Page 585
 The Unexamined Life Is Not Worth Living......Page 590
 Back At The Con......Page 594
 A Name Of Kings......Page 600
 Eureka!......Page 606
 And To Them Were Given Seven Trumpets......Page 611
 And That's All From Caesar's Palace......Page 619
 The Clothes-Horse Of Senility......Page 624
 Don't Dum-De-De-Dum-Dum......Page 630
 And You Only Live Twice......Page 637
 The Reason Why Some People Get Murdered......Page 645
 Ride A Pale Horse......Page 656
 Down Among The Dead Men......Page 665
 And The Beast Enters Once More The Fray......Page 670
 So Lonely Steps......Page 681
 A Bigga Bigga Bigga Hunka Metal......Page 684
 Love's Labours And Barbershop Floors......Page 689
 There The Trail Ran Cold......Page 693
 Nine O'Clock In The Evening And I Can't Go To Bed......Page 697
 The Stankmonster, The Plain Jane & The Sophie Marceau......Page 702
 Giant Octopus Eats Mum Of Five......Page 710
 Been Going Down This Road So Long......Page 722
 Now Ye Need Not Fear The Grave......Page 729
 On Córdoba's Sorry Fields......Page 733
 Barney Sings The Greens......Page 741
 Punch Drunk......Page 748
 Into The River Of Night Where The Waters Run Cold......Page 755
 The Sixth Bottle......Page 762
 The African Dawn......Page 768
 My Friends, These Clowns......Page 775
 The Magnificent Hugh Rolanoytez Extravaganza......Page 782
 Liz Taylor? She's A Woman. No Question......Page 789
 Tidings Of Comfort And Joy......Page 792
 Frontier Justice......Page 800
 Be Thou My Battle-Shield, Sword For The Fight......Page 805
 The Last Supper......Page 813
 Lesbians Roasting On An Open Fire......Page 824
 Don't Suppose It Can Get Any Weirder Than It Already Is......Page 832
 The Sorrow Of Hertha Berlin......Page 842
 And They Walked On In Silence, Down The Road Darkly…......Page 848
 Will The Real Morty Goldman Please Step Forward?......Page 858
 Fall On Your Knees......Page 863
 The Eternal Midnight Of Barney Thomson......Page 876
 I'll Be Your Jade Weapon......Page 886
 Epilogue: A Warm Evening In August......Page 892
The Resurrection Of Barney Thomson......Page 895
 Prologue:  And The Doughnut Eaters Shall Inherit The Girth......Page 896
 Then Shall The Dust Return To The Earth As It Was: And The Spirit Shall Return Unto God Who Gave It......Page 901
 The Edge Of Jealousy......Page 908
 The Last King Of Holyrood......Page 912
 The Parliament Sits In The Land......Page 919
 Blessed Are The Storytellers......Page 927
 When My Blue Moon Turns To Fungus......Page 933
 Someone Else's Toothbrush......Page 937
 The Wisdom Of The Clowns......Page 942
 Bruxelles......Page 946
 Political Power Grows Out The Barrel Of A Pun......Page 952
 Carry On Up The Revolution......Page 961
 Splat!......Page 966
 See Those Boats? I Built Them All. Do They Call Me Harry The Boatbuilder? Nah. But You Shag One Sheep…......Page 969
 Shagtastic!......Page 978
 The First Bite Is The Deepest......Page 997
 International Barber Of Mystery......Page 1001
 Make It So......Page 1008
 The Lad Wally Takes His Final Dive......Page 1013
 A Predestination Of Seven Cheeses......Page 1021
 To Cabinet, To Cabinet, To Buy A Fat Pig......Page 1028
 Eaglehawk Rolls Up His Trouser Leg And Joins The Fellowship......Page 1035
 Give It Up For The Rubettes!......Page 1049
 Preparing For War And The Illumination Of The Masses......Page 1053
 God Is Not A Man, That He Should Lie......Page 1058
 Plank......Page 1065
 A Little Light Lunch Music......Page 1072
 And After All, What Is A Lie? 'Tis But The Truth In Masquerade......Page 1080
 One In The Head For The Trudgemeister......Page 1090
 Ooh-Be-Dooh......Page 1094
 A Nice Spot Of Dinner, Put Your Foot In It, Go Home Alone......Page 1099
 In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning…......Page 1106
 One Vision......Page 1112
 Thrown To The Sharks......Page 1119
 Doubt That The Stars Are Fire......Page 1123
 Barney Takes Confession......Page 1132
 Fortune Favours The Munificent......Page 1141
 The Usual Roll Call Of Late Night Visitors......Page 1145
 Bing Velociraptor......Page 1154
 More Women Than You Can Shake A Stick At......Page 1162
 All The World Is Queer Save Thee And Me, And Even Thou Art A Little Queer......Page 1171
 Showtime......Page 1178
 Soap Opera 1......Page 1183
 Soap Opera 2......Page 1186
 Soap Opera 3......Page 1197
 Soap Opera 4......Page 1207
 Where Are They Now......Page 1219
The Last Fish Supper......Page 1221
 Prologue: 2 Deaths......Page 1222
 Dead Original......Page 1226
 The Last Barber......Page 1229
 I'd Sooner Chew My Leg Off......Page 1236
 The Full Robbie Range......Page 1242
 Force Of Nature......Page 1247
 Red, Red Is The Rose…......Page 1252
 The Eager Nature Fit For A Great Crisis......Page 1258
 The Silence Of The Uncomfortable Biscuit......Page 1261
 The Evil Succubus Of Doom......Page 1266
 The Vulture Flock......Page 1272
 Little Italy......Page 1277
 The Judas Tree......Page 1282
 Seeing Over My Hump......Page 1287
 Flowers In The Window......Page 1295
 Maggots Of Melancholy......Page 1303
 No One Will Survive......Page 1311
 'Take Some More Tea!'......Page 1318
 Nietzsche Ate My Hamster......Page 1324
 Bar Room Blitz......Page 1330
 The Well Of Life......Page 1334
 The Third Constant......Page 1340
 Archimedes & The Dog......Page 1348
 Æs Triplex......Page 1354
 Archie Gemmill......Page 1359
 Two Dumb Animals......Page 1363
 And Who Shall Be Able To Stand?......Page 1368
 Craterous Skin......Page 1371
 The Monstrous Mind Of The Psephalopod......Page 1376
 Augustinian Predestination......Page 1381
 Wraithwreckers......Page 1388
 Pushing The Blue Sky......Page 1399
 The Barbershop Quartet......Page 1406
 The Postman Always Brings Mice......Page 1411
 Et In Arcadia Ego......Page 1416
 Satan & Sally......Page 1428
 Artistic Distemperament......Page 1433
 The Eponymous Phat......Page 1440
 Bunglestiltskin......Page 1448
 Who Built Thebes?......Page 1454
 A Needle Pulling Thread......Page 1457
 Fortune Cookie Philosophy......Page 1463
 Cheese Sandwich......Page 1471
 A Stupid Kind Of Murder......Page 1477
 The Wash......Page 1486
 Spilled Blood......Page 1495
 Where Are They Now?......Page 1503
 The Pain Of The Silent Phone......Page 1508
 Honty Grython And The Moly Pail......Page 1512
 The Ceremonial Big Bang 1......Page 1520
 The Ceremonial Big Bang 2......Page 1525
 Epilogue: A New Dawn......Page 1535
The Haunting of Barney Thomson......Page 1541
 Prologue: Too Many Thieves......Page 1543
 Part I......Page 1545
 And Slowly, It Crept In From The Fog......Page 1546
 If Death Was A Fish......Page 1551
 The Storyteller's Tale......Page 1555
 Three Men In A Boat......Page 1562
 The Notebook Guy......Page 1565
 Creep......Page 1573
 The Frankenstein Forensics Phobia......Page 1581
 The Tempest......Page 1584
 Early Morning Town Blues......Page 1588
 Rats......Page 1593
 Bruce Willis......Page 1598
 Shoes......Page 1602
 Chicken Head......Page 1607
 The Return Of The Fantastic Five......Page 1614
 The Ways Of The Lord......Page 1621
 The Paintbrush For The Defence......Page 1627
 I'm Dead, Get Me Out Of Here!......Page 1631
 Onion......Page 1636
 The Remains Of The Morning......Page 1642
 Part II......Page 1650
 The Fantastic Five Have A Cunning Plan......Page 1651
 Up The Graveyard......Page 1656
 Snack Time......Page 1661
 A Passing Glance At The Dead......Page 1668
 A Row Of Disease......Page 1673
 The Parting Of The Waves......Page 1679
 Himalayan Refuge......Page 1683
 The Worst Of Ghosts......Page 1687
 Scenes Of Crime Fantastic Five (SOCFF)......Page 1695
 The Millport Dawn......Page 1700
 Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head......Page 1707
 Part III......Page 1713
 He Went Like One That Hath Been Stunned......Page 1714
 On A Pale Afternoon......Page 1719
 Bladestone......Page 1726
 Deputy Dawg......Page 1734
 The Barbershop Must Go On......Page 1740
 Nardini......Page 1746
 The Devil Rides In......Page 1753
 A Cry In The Fog......Page 1757
 Heads Up!......Page 1764
 A Soul For A Soul…......Page 1770
 Closing Time......Page 1776
 The Temperature Of The Night......Page 1782
 The Dostoevsky Theory......Page 1787
 Ship Of Fools......Page 1792
 The Breaking Of The Guard......Page 1797
 The Four Corners......Page 1804
 Diamonds......Page 1812
 Like, It's A Wrap......Page 1818
 Epilogue......Page 1825
The Final Cut......Page 1829
 Prologue......Page 1831
 The Armpit Question......Page 1837
 The Black Eye Of The Gull......Page 1843
 Like A Virgin......Page 1848
 Fisherman's Chips – Crisps You Can Trust......Page 1855
 Love's Labours Lost......Page 1860
 Waferthin.com......Page 1864
 The Truth About Bing Crosby......Page 1871
 The Walls Bled Pop Culture......Page 1878
 Less Of A Sock, More Of A Guiding Light To An Eternal Vision Of Happiness, Joy And Spiritual Fulfilment......Page 1883
 At First Sight......Page 1891
 The Remains Of Hugo Fitzgerald......Page 1898
 Ashes To Ashes......Page 1907
 The Triumvirate Of Evil......Page 1915
 Interview With A Barber XXIX......Page 1923
 The Keys To The Citadel......Page 1930
 Is There A Worse Combination On The Planet?......Page 1936
 Blitzkreig......Page 1942
 Butt Naked Pygmy Women Go Jesus......Page 1953
 His Face Contorted In Agony And Terror......Page 1962
 I Will Hang My Head In Zorro......Page 1969
 A Harmony Of Diced Pig And Canned Fruit......Page 1976
 I'll Have The Duck......Page 1986
 When The Rain Comes......Page 1994
 Big Gesture Small Politics......Page 1998
 Someone Else's Pain......Page 2003
 The Elusive No Romance, No Hurt......Page 2011
 The Lonesome Death of Barney Thomson......Page 2015
 The Devil's Work......Page 2022
 The Barber Surgeon Takes His Final Victim......Page 2026
 Buy One, Get One Free......Page 2033
 All's Well In Heaven And Hell......Page 2041
 It's A Magical World......Page 2053
 The Craven Conspiracy......Page 2058
 A Farewell To Ads......Page 2064
 Moral Outrage - The New Fragrance For Men......Page 2072
 Steam Pants!......Page 2078
 The Satanic Clamp......Page 2084
 Meeting Of The Damned......Page 2093
 The Battlefield Of Good And Evil......Page 2106
 The Muppets Are Back, And This Time They're A Washing Up Liquid!......Page 2115
 The Reformation Lives On......Page 2123
 The Agatha Christie Moment Turns Nasty......Page 2131
 You Back-Stabbing Bastard......Page 2145
 The Last Judgement Of Barney Thomson......Page 2151
 Epilogue......Page 2160
Your FREE copy of The Wormwood Code......Page 2164
Also by Douglas Lindsay......Page 2165
About Blasted Heath......Page 2166