Parent-Child Relations: A Guide to Raising Children

history of this book xx
aims and objectives xxii
introduction xxiv
Part one [chapters 1–7]
Parenting: setting the Foundation 1 1
Chapter i 3
Good Parenting: What is it and How do We Begin?
Introduction 4
Phases of Child Development 5
The Way We Raise Our Children: Different Parenting Styles 6
What Can Predict Parenting Style? 9
Beginning Good Parenting: An Overview of the Task Ahead 10
Utilizing Sources of Information on Parenting 14
Should Parenting be Taught in High Schools? 16
British Guidelines for High School Courses 17
Conclusion 19
Activities 1–7 20
Chapter 2 23
The Family Unit: Why is it Important? What are its Functions?
Introduction 24
Transition to Parenthood 24
Effects of Children on Marital Stability 25
Family Size Now and Then in the United States 29
The Single-Parent Family Unit 30
Principles to Apply to be Successful Single Parents 33
The Impact of Single Motherhood on the Prophets: Ishmael, Moses, Jesus,
and Muhammad oe 34
Can One Parent Substitute for the Other? 35
A Note on Islam and Divorce 36
Importance of the Family Unit in Islam 38
Family Objectives According to the Qur’an 41
What Went Wrong with the Muslim Family? 43
Child Development and Sound Education System 45
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A Closer Look at the Need for a Sound Education System 47
The Family Unit in America 49
Common Myths of Parenting in America 50
Lessons from the Columbine High School Massacre 53
Teaching Children Values: The Conservative–Liberal Debate 54
Families in Muslim Countries vs. the United States 55
Western Influence on Muslim Parenting 57
Parenting in Britain and the United States 58
Freedom or Truth? 58
Where to Raise Children: A Case Study of the Culture Shock of Moving
Between East and West 62
Two Missing Concepts in Western Thought 63
Creed Values vs. Functional Values 64
The Agricultural Model of the Family: Children are Like Plants, Parents
are Like Gardeners 66
Activities 8–15 67
Chapter 3 71
Good Parenting: Setting the Right Goals
Setting the Right Goals: The First Step in Implementing Good Parenting 72
A Closer Look at the Goals 74
Goals Taken from the Qur’anic Verse: The Prayer of Believers 74
Goals Taken from the Hadith of the Prophet oe 76
Coffee and Family Priorities 78
Conclusion 78
Activities 16–20 80
Chapter 4 83
The Most Important Goal: Raising Children Who Love God
Introduction 84
The Current Approach to Inculcating Faith in Our Children 85
A Culture of Self-Absorption: Lack of Participation in Public Affairs 86
Lack of Personal Responsibility 89
A Distorted Culture: Backwardness and Superstition 90
The Balanced Way: The Wise Approach 92
Teach Children Love of the Qur’an 93
Teach Children Prayers: Continual Remembrance of God 95
Teach Children Tawbah (Repentance) 96
Teach Children About Prophet Muhammad oeand Other Prophets 96
Teach Children Ādāb (Manners) 97
What Should You Tell Your Children First: They Love God or God Loves Them? 97
Activities 21–25 99
x
Chapter 5 103
Addressing Common Challenges and Pitfalls
Introduction 104
Major Challenges Facing Parents 104
Lack of Experience 105
Day-to-Day Pressures 105
The Daily Grind: Accepting that the Parenting Task is 24/7 105
Parenting is an Inflexible Task 105
Parenting is a Long-Term “Investment” of Time, Effort, and Money 106
Parents are Only One of Many Influences on Their Children 106
Babies are Unable to Speak 106
Parenting is Interdisciplinary 107
Father and Mother Should Act as a Team 107
Parenting is a Skill that Requires Good Management of Resources 108
The Children’s Perception of Their Parents May be the Opposite of What
Their Parents Intend 108
Know What to Tell Children and When 108
Inadvertently Instilling Wrong Concepts in Children 109
The Challenge of Creating a Positive Self-Image 109
Parenting Lessons from Moses in the Bible: What Moses Has to Say 110
Conclusion 110
Activity 26 111
Chapter 6 113
Common Misconceptions, Pitfalls, and Myths to Avoid
Introduction 114
Debunking Commonly Held Misconceptions and Pitfalls 114
Using Inherited Methods Blindly 114
Blind Imitation of Others 114
Fulfilling Unfulfilled Wishes Through Our Children 114
Delegating Parenthood 115
Assuming Logic is Enough with Children 115
Assuming One Can Win a War Against One’s Children 115
Parents Relying on the Fact that They are Bigger and in Control 115
Parents Assuming They Can Treat All Their Children in the Same Way 116
Treating the Child as a Small Adult 116
Buying Children Whatever They Want 116
Some Myths of Parenthood Debunked 117
Activities 27–28 120
Chapter 7 121
When Things Go Wrong
Introduction 122
Anger, Rebelliousness, Tantrums, and Tears 123
A Few Ways to Discipline an Unruly Child 123
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Bullying: Your Child and You 124
If Your Child is Being Bullied, What Next? 124
Teenagers: Critique of the Notion of Adolescence 125
Anger in Our Teenagers and in Ourselves 127
Being the Parent of an Angry Teenager Brings up the Anger in Ourselves 128
What Can We Do for Our Teenager and for Ourselves? 128
A few Principles of Good Communication 128
Activities 29–30 130
Part two [chapters 8–13]
child development 133 2
Chapter 8 135
Character Building Cannot Wait
Introduction 136
Phases of Development 138
How Far Can Pop Psychology be Trusted? 138
Phases of Human Development in the Qur’an 140
The Miracle of Conception, Pregnancy and Delivery 142
Various Stages of Human Growth: From Birth to Old Age 143
Birth – 4 Months 143
5–18 Months 144
18–36 Months 145
4–7 Years 146
7–14 Years 147
11–13 Years: Menstruation for Girls 148
13–15 Years:When Boys Become Men 149
14–21 Years 150
Understanding Teenagers 150
21–35 Years: Young Adulthood 153
35–50 (maybe 60) Years: Middle Age 153
60 Years and Older: Shaykhūkhah (aging) 154
Capitalizing on the Phases of Development 155
Breastfeeding During the First Two Years 155
Love and Fear of God 155
Memorization 155
Aspects of Da‘wah 155
Sensitivity Toward Criticism During Adolescence 156
Identity Building Should be Intensified 156
Learning a Second Language 156
Memorization Between East and West 157
Activity 31 158
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Chapter 9 159
The Road to a Healthy Child: Hygiene, Nutrition, Physical Exercise, and Sleep
Introduction: Health Comes First 160
Pregnancy Time 160
After Delivery: The Controversy About Vaccination 161
The Case Against Vaccinations 162
Cleanliness and Hygiene 163
Health: Some Islamic Practices 164
Cleanliness in the Toilet 165
Hair and Nails 165
Nutrition 167
Overeating 168
Imam al-Ghazālī’s Views on Eating Habits 170
Facts About Children and Nutrition 170
Pregnancy Time 170
Between Birth and Pre-teens 170
Pre-teens and Teens 170
Sample Diet for Ages 2 to 10 171
Commonly Asked Questions 171
Qur’anic Directives on Food 175
Children and Physical Exercise 177
Children and Shoes 177
Ways to Promote Activity in Children 178
Recommended Exercise Schedule 179
Sleep 180
Medical Effects of Losing Sleep 181
Intoxicants: Drinking and Drug Prevention 183
Children and Temptation 183
Early Drug Use Signs to Look for: What Can Parents Do? 184
Addiction vs. Healthy Home Connection 187
Aftercare Programs: Religion as Prevention 188
Breaking the Law 188
Activities 32–38 190
Chapter 10 193
Breast Feeding
Introduction 194
Breastfeeding in the Qur’an 196
Medical and Psychological Advantages of Breastfeeding 197
American Business and Breastfeeding 199
The Muslim World and Breastfeeding 200
Imam ‘Alī’s and Ibn H. azm’s Opinions of Breastfeeding 201
Duration of Breastfeeding 201
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Helpful Hints for Nursing Mothers 202
Mother’s Daily Diet: A Sample 203
The Strong Nation: Physically 203
Activity 39 206
Chapter 11 209
The Child’s Brain: Use It or Lose It!
Introduction 210
The Window of Opportunity 210
Development of Neurons and Brain Networks 211
Vision 212
Sound 212
Music 213
Birth and Musical Therapy 214
Emotions 214
Stress Can Rewire Emotion Circuits 215
Movement 215
Vocabulary and Memorization in Childhood 216
How the Brain Changes 216
Parents Should Speak to Their Baby Positively 216
The Head Start Preschool Program in the United States 217
What Can Parents Do? 218
The Logical Brain 218
The Musical Brain 218
The Language Brain 219
Islam, Singing, and Music 219
Pictures and Sculptures in Islam 220
Toddlers’ Brain Development 221
Calling Attention to Important Patterns in the Environment 221
Encouraging Children’s Physical Participation in Activities 221
Talking to Children and Elaborating on What is said to Them 222
Maintaining a Positive, Predictable, and Rewarding Atmosphere 222
Encouraging Practice and Welcoming Repetition 222
How Emotions Override Reason 223
Mother’s Care is Indispensable 224
What Makes Us Who We Are: Nature, Nurture, or Destiny? 224
Brain Growth: Emotional Influence on Boys and Girls 226
Is the Success of Humanity Determined Before the Age of Five?! 227
Activity 40 228
Chapter 12 229
Raising Boys and Girls: Are They Different?
Introduction 230
xiv
Specific Differences: Logic vs. Emotions 230
Emotional Connection 232
The Senses 233
Status 233
Facial Expressions 234
Cultural Stereotyping of Boys and Girls 234
Grief 235
Sexual Differences 235
The Wisdom of Gender Differences: Roles, Not Preferences 235
The Priority of American Men and Women: A Survey 237
When Does the Gender Divide Start? 238
Masculine Women and Effeminate Men 240
Status of Parenting: Gender Wise 241
Why the Imbalance? 241
Myths and Realities About Fathers as Caregivers 242
Impact of Absent Fathers on Children 243
Different Needs of Boys and Girls 243
What a Little Girl Needs 244
What a Little Boy Needs 245
Rational Reactions to Gender Differences 246
Confusing Gender with Temperament 246
Girls and Boys Learn Differently 247
Segregation of Boys and Girls in Schools and Classrooms 249
Parenting and Genders: Islamically Speaking 251
God’s Way is the Best Way: The Examples of China, Germany, and India 254
Activities 41–43 255
Chapter 13 257
Sex and Sex Education: What Do We Tell Our Children?
Introduction 258
What is Sex Education? 258
The American Scene 259
Perceptions of Mothers and Daughters in the USA 262
Values and Sex: Today and Yesterday 262
Why Sex Education? Should We Teach it? 264
What to Teach Children? 265
Sex Abuse! How Serious is it? 266
Abrahamic Traditions Forbid Fornication and Adultery 268
The Rationale Behind the Legal Punishment of Adultery and Fornication 269
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) 270
Boyfriend–Girlfriend Relations 271
Children Having Children: Abortion and Adoption in Islam 273
Abortion 274
xv
Adoption in Islam 275
Homosexuality and Parents 276
Islamic Sex Education 279
Parents’ Duty Towards Children 281
Sex and Hygiene: Menstruation, Pubic Hair, Circumcision, Seminal Fluid 282
Teenagers and Abstention 283
The Islamic Solution to the Sexual Dilemma: A Road Map for a Preventive Approach 285
Modesty (H. ayā’) 287
Dress Code 291
No Free Mixing and No Khalwah 291
Peer Pressure and Other Factors 292
What to Do 293
Early Marriage 293
The Dilemma of the Educational System vs. Early Marriage 295
Protecting Children from Sexual Abuse by Adults 297
Age Appropriate Children Be Made Aware About Prostitution 298
When One’s Child is a Victim of Incest or Rape 299
A Curriculum for Islamic Sex Education 301
Activities 44–45 303
Part three [chapters 14–23]
character Building and Personality 305 3
Chapter 14 307
Character and Personality
Introduction 308
What is Meant by Character? 309
Character Formation 310
Character is Not Skin Deep, It Has Deep Roots 311
What is Personality? 312
Activity 46 313
Chapter 15 315
Nurturing Courage
Introduction 316
Basic Principles of Courage and Fear 317
Understanding the Development of Fear in Children 319
Children Need to Learn Emotional as Well as Physical Courage 321
Between Courage and Conformity 321
Peer Pressure 321
Parents, Bravery, and Cultural Practices 323
Activities 47–53 325
xvi
chapter 16 329
Teaching Love
Introduction 330
Foundation of Emotional Empowerment 331
Love: The Concept of Creative Intelligence and the Qur’an 332
Helpful Hints for Parents 334
What if Your Child Says “I Hate You!” 335
The First Child 335
Why Do Parents Love Their Children? 337
Love and Parents’ Self-Confidence 338
Practical Ways to Develop Compassion 338
A Survey: Many Ways to Make Your Children Feel Loved 341
Should Parents Teach Hate? Sometimes! 342
Activity 54 343
chapter 17 345
Teaching Honesty and Trustworthiness
Introduction 346
Parents Should Trust Their Children but Verify Their Whereabouts! 347
General Principles 348
Integrating Character with the Overall World View 350
Why Children Lie: How to Treat Lying 351
A Prophetic Way to Treat Lying 354
Activities 55–56 355
chapter 18 357
Teaching Responsibility
Introduction 358
Laying the Foundation: Attitudes and World View 359
Opportunities at Various Developmental Stages 361
Principles to Develop 362
Practical Suggestions 365
Connect Privilege with Responsibility: Examples 366
Activities 57–58 369
chapter 19 371
Teaching Independence
Growing Up “Dependently” in America 372
A Myth 374
Age-Specific Accomplishments 375
Let Toddlers Find Their Own Way 376
Separation Anxiety: Handling Clingy Behavior 376
Teenagers – The Reality 377
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Parenting Styles Impact: Authority-Based vs. Power-Based 379
Skills to Build Autonomy in Children 381
Hints for Parents 385
Advice vs. Autonomy: The Daughter and Her Mother 387
If Parents Do Not Like Their Children’s Friends 390
Helping Children to Make Decisions Enhances Autonomy 390
Decision-Making Steps 391
Activities 59–61 392
chapter 20 395
Fostering Creativity
Introduction 396
General Creativity Concepts 397
Stark Historical Inventions 399
Stifling Children’s Creativity 400
Negative Attitudes that Block Creativity 401
Ways to Develop Creativity 402
Creative Questioning 402
Practical Activities 402
Varieties of Experience 403
Brainstorming Activities 403
Creative Play 403
Children’s Writing 404
Children’s Art 404
Misconceptions: ‘Strange’ or ’Unproductive’ Ideas 405
What Parents Can Do? 406
A Note on Toys 406
Activities 62–65 409
chapter 21 413
Self-Esteem vs. Spoiled Children
Self-Esteem 414
How to Avoid Raising a ‘Spoiled’ Child 416
Tantrums: Do Not Let Crying be Used as a Tool 417
Activities 66–68 418
chapter 22 421
Choosing the Right Friends for Your Child
Your Child’s Friends 422
Some Problems with Bad Friends 423
Day-To-Day Peer Pressure at School 424
Choosing the Right Friends 424
What if Your Child Chooses Undesirable Friends? 425
xviii
Why the Strong Attractions Among Teenagers? 426
Families in Undesirable Locations 428
Activities 69–71 429
chapter 23 431
The Destructive Impact of Television, Video and Computer Games
Introduction 432
A Questionnaire for Parents 432
Negative Effects of TV 433
No TV Home!? 438
Ideas to Help You Break Free of TV 439
Fast TV Facts 440
Our TV Culture 440
The Stranger 441
How to Change the TV Habit: Experiences of Some Families 442
A Word of Caution About TV 443
A List of Family Alternatives to Watching TV 444
More Serious Options 446
The Harm of Excessive Internet Use 449
Computer Games 449
Videogames and Children 450
In Summary 452
Activities 72–76 453
conclusion 456
appendix 1 460
Selected Qur’anic Verses and Traditions of the Prophet Muhammad oeon Parenting
appendix 2 464
Activities List
bibliography 467
English and Arabic
website resources and further reading 480
glossary 482
index 483