Who's Pulling Your Strings?

Copyright......Page 5
Contents......Page 9
Introduction......Page 11
1 An Overview of Manipulation......Page 15
Control and Countercontrol......Page 16
Manipulation versus Influence......Page 18
The Book’s Three Purposes......Page 19
Who Is Vulnerable to Manipulation?......Page 20
2 Manipulation in Five Acts......Page 23
Act One: A Tale of Two Cindys......Page 24
Act Two: Dinner at Mom’s......Page 27
Act Three: Location, Location, Location......Page 30
Act Four: Terrible Teens......Page 34
Act Five: Double Squeeze......Page 38
Are You a Soft Target for Manipulators?......Page 41
How to Score and Interpret Your Answers......Page 45
4 Your Buttons Are Showing......Page 47
What Are Your Buttons?......Page 48
Button No. 1: You Have the Disease to Please—People-Pleasing Habits and Mind-Sets......Page 49
Button No. 2: You Are Addicted to Earning the Approval and Acceptance of Others......Page 52
Button No. 3: You Have “Emotophobia”—Fear of Negative Emotions......Page 54
Button No. 4: Lack of Assertiveness and an Inability to Say No......Page 56
Button No. 5: The Vanishing Self......Page 59
Button No. 6: Low Self-Reliance......Page 60
Button No. 7: External Locus of Control......Page 62
5 Manipulators’ Motives......Page 65
What Makes Manipulators Do What They Do?......Page 66
Basic Rules of Manipulation......Page 67
Manipulative Motives......Page 68
Do Manipulators Understand Their Own Motives?......Page 72
What You Can Expect......Page 75
How Manipulators Look at the World......Page 76
How Manipulators Create the World They Perceive......Page 78
The Prisoner’s Dilemma......Page 79
Summary......Page 85
6 Who Are the Manipulators in Your Life?......Page 87
Crossing the Line......Page 88
Direct Control versus Evocation......Page 91
Manipulating Your Life: The Usual Suspects......Page 92
Spotting Manipulators in Your Midst......Page 93
Three Important Goals......Page 96
The Usual Suspects......Page 98
The Machiavellian Personality......Page 99
Narcissistic Personality Disorder......Page 101
Borderline Personality Disorder......Page 103
Dependent Personality Disorder......Page 106
Histrionic Personality Disorder......Page 108
Passive-Aggressive Personalities......Page 110
Type A Angry Personalities......Page 112
The Con or Antisocial Personality Disorder......Page 114
Addictive Personalities......Page 115
An Exercise in Spotting Manipulators......Page 116
How Do Your Strings Get Pulled?......Page 117
7 How Manipulation Works......Page 119
How Do You Get Manipulated?......Page 120
Control Levers......Page 121
What Does the Manipulator Want?......Page 124
What Types of Relationships Are Susceptible to Manipulation?......Page 125
What Tactics Does the Manipulator Use?......Page 126
When Are You Most Susceptible to Manipulation?......Page 129
8 What Are our Hooks?......Page 131
Question 1: What Do You Most Want or Need at This Point in Your Life?......Page 132
Question 2: What Do You Worry About or Fear the Most About Losing?......Page 134
Protecting Your Vulnerabilities......Page 135
9 The Mechanics of Manipulation......Page 137
The Manipulative Shift......Page 138
The Manipulative Process......Page 140
Methods of Manipulative Control......Page 141
Positive Reinforcement......Page 143
Negative Reinforcement......Page 145
Intermittent or Partial Reinforcement......Page 150
Punishment......Page 154
Traumatic One-Trial Learning......Page 155
The Big Lie......Page 158
The Victim’s Countercontrol......Page 159
10 Are You in a Manipulative Relationship?......Page 163
Are You in a Manipulative Relationship?......Page 164
How to Interpret Your Answers......Page 167
11 The Impact of Manipulation......Page 169
The Silent Contract......Page 170
The Emotional Toll of Manipulation......Page 171
Confusion About the Manipulator’s True Motives......Page 173
Frustration and Dissatisfaction with the Relationship......Page 175
Sense of Imbalanced Power and Control......Page 176
Diminished Self-Reliance and Lowered Self-Esteem......Page 177
Resentment and Anger Toward the Manipulator......Page 178
Entrapment and Victimization......Page 179
Breaking Free from Manipulation: Trust Yourself......Page 181
12 Resistance Tactics......Page 185
Resistance......Page 186
Extraction......Page 188
Small-Scale Efforts......Page 189
Seven Key Steps to Resist Manipulation......Page 190
Step 1: Playing for Time......Page 191
Step 2: The Broken Record......Page 196
Step 3: Desensitizing Anxiety, Fear, and Guilt......Page 201
Step 4: Labeling the Manipulation......Page 207
Step 5: Disabling the Manipulation......Page 210
Step 6: Setting Your Terms......Page 212
Step 7: Compromising and Negotiating......Page 214
Choosing Your Battles......Page 216
13 How to Make Yourself a Hardened Target......Page 219
Cleaning the Bugs in Your Mental Computer......Page 221
Collecting Your Thoughts in a Journal......Page 222
How to Recognize Soft-Target Thinking......Page 224
People-Pleasing Habits and Mind-Sets......Page 225
Approval Addiction......Page 227
Lack of Assertiveness and Inability to Say No......Page 228
Blurry Sense of Identity......Page 229
External Locus of Control......Page 230
Identify Your Soft-Target Thoughts......Page 231
Correcting Soft-Target Thinking with Hard-Target Beliefs......Page 232
How to Correct People-Pleasing Shoulds......Page 233
How to Correct the Need to Be Nice......Page 234
How to Correct Putting Others First......Page 235
How to Correct “You Are What You Do”......Page 237
How to Correct Approval Addiction......Page 238
How to Correct Fear of Anger, Conflict, and Confrontation......Page 239
How to Correct Lack of Assertiveness and Inability to Say No......Page 241
How to Correct a Blurry Sense of Identity......Page 242
How to Correct Low Self-Reliance......Page 244
How to Correct External Locus of Control......Page 246
Replacing Soft-Target Thoughts with Corrected Hard-Target Thoughts......Page 248
Maintaining Yourself as a Hardened Target......Page 249
14 Final Curtain on Manipulation in Five Acts......Page 251
Act One: A Tale of Two Cindys......Page 252
Act Two: Dinner at Mom’s......Page 253
Act Three: Location, Location, Location......Page 255
Act Four: Terrible Teens......Page 256
Act Five: Double Squeeze......Page 257
Conclusion......Page 259
Index......Page 261