The Nice Factor: The Art of Saying No

Front Cover......Page 1
Contents......Page 5
Acknowledgements......Page 7
Introduction......Page 9
Jo Ellen and Robin: A Personal Context......Page 14
Part 1: Setting The Scene......Page 23
Introduction......Page 25
1 - Are You Too Nice For Your Own Good?......Page 27
Nice: a weak modifier......Page 29
Just how nice are you?......Page 31
You’re only as big as the box that you’re in......Page 37
Am I the only one?......Page 39
This is just the way I am......Page 53
The golden age of parenting......Page 55
So what actually happened?......Page 56
You don’t want that......Page 61
Don’t be such a crybaby......Page 63
I’m only doing this for your own good......Page 67
The way we adapt......Page 69
Believe it or not, you had a choice......Page 75
When choice becomes habit......Page 76
Have the punishment fit the crime......Page 79
Dire consequences......Page 80
Making it up and acting as though it’s true......Page 83
Identifying your feelings......Page 88
Fight or flight or just not there?......Page 93
I wish I didn’t feel this way: being in charge vs being in control......Page 97
Feelings are your friend......Page 99
Nasty......Page 101
I don’t know what happened, something just came over me......Page 103
I never get angry......Page 105
Is this all there is?......Page 107
The middle ground......Page 111
Becoming more burglar-proof......Page 115
Choose me......Page 116
Summary......Page 118
Part 2: The Art of Saying No: Getting Your Choice Back......Page 121
Introduction......Page 123
A note about families......Page 126
Can language be too nice?......Page 129
The language of apology......Page 133
Little rules of behaviour you heard when growing up......Page 138
What spontaneity?......Page 144
It’s the little things that count......Page 146
Stay on your side of the line, please......Page 149
External boundaries......Page 150
Exactly who is a boundary for?......Page 154
More dire consequences......Page 158
Beyond personal space......Page 159
Internal boundaries......Page 163
What’s in a status symbol?......Page 169
Do we need it?......Page 171
A day in the life…......Page 173
Playing the status game......Page 176
Mind the gap......Page 179
Playing the numbers game: changing your behaviour on a whim......Page 187
Status reversal......Page 189
Anything to keep the peace......Page 197
Why have it?......Page 203
Conflict resolution......Page 205
Finding out why you can’t have what you want......Page 211
Getting their attention......Page 217
Giving back the problem......Page 238
Practising for when it really matters......Page 241
Conclusion......Page 245
Putting It All Together or Am I Allowed To Do That?......Page 247
About The Authors......Page 255