Our Loving Relationship

OUR LOVING RELATIONSHIP......Page 3
DEDICATION......Page 7
CONTENTS......Page 9
LIST OF FIGURES......Page 15
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS......Page 19
PROLOGUE......Page 21
ABOUT THIS BOOK......Page 23
A COMPANION BOOK......Page 25
SOME CRITICAL ASSUMPTIONS......Page 26
A BIBLIOTHERAPEUTIC APPROACH......Page 27
THE ROAD AHEAD......Page 31
TYPES OF LOVE......Page 37
THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON LOVE......Page 40
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LOVE AND.........Page 42
DON'T CONFUSE LOVE WITH.........Page 44
LOVE TRIANGLE......Page 46
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE......Page 51
LOVING......Page 53
BEING LOVED AND FEELING LOVED......Page 54
LOVING ROLES WE PLAY......Page 56
A TRIPLE-A RATING......Page 59
MY NEED TO FEEL SPECIAL......Page 61
THE LITTLE CHILD WITHIN US......Page 62
LITTLE THINGS MEAN A LOT......Page 63
FORGETTING AND FORGIVING......Page 65
OUR PASTS......Page 67
YOUR INDIVIDUAL PASTS......Page 68
YOUR RELATIONSHIP’S PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURES......Page 69
THE INTERACTION EFFECT OF YOUR PASTS......Page 72
DYSFUNCTIONAL RELATIONSHIPS  AND LIVING PARALLEL LIVES......Page 74
RECYCLING ONE’S ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP HISTORY......Page 75
RELATIONSHIP ANALYSIS......Page 79
SIGNS OF DECAY......Page 80
OUR RELATIONSHIP......Page 82
QUESTIONS WE ASK OURSELVES......Page 84
TARGETS OF OUR ATTENTION......Page 86
SITUATIONAL ISSUES AND RELATIONSHIP ISSUES......Page 88
CHARACTERISTICS OF AN IDEAL RELATIONSHIP......Page 89
GOOD AND BAD TIMES......Page 90
CAPACITIES AND POTENTIALS......Page 93
WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT HE/SHE NEEDS......Page 94
UNDERSTANDING YOUR DANCE......Page 97
RELATIONSHIP POTENTIALS......Page 99
QUESTIONS TO ASK......Page 101
NURSE-PATIENT RELATIONSHIPS......Page 103
THE LIGHTNING ROD IN A RELATIONSHIP......Page 104
LEVELS OF A RELATIONSHIP......Page 105
THE PIECES OF MY LIFE YOU WANT......Page 107
THE A, B, C'S OF LOVING RELATIONSHIPS......Page 111
LINKAGES: FEELINGS, THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS......Page 115
BALANCE......Page 119
NEW EXPERIENCES – OLD FEELINGS......Page 122
WHAT I WANT YOU TO SEE......Page 124
THINK IT, FEEL IT, AND DO IT......Page 126
OUTSIDE FACTORS AND FEATURES......Page 129
PRIMARY-IMMEDIATE FAMILY......Page 130
BLENDED FAMILIES......Page 134
CHILDREN......Page 139
DISTANCE......Page 140
A DISABILITY......Page 142
OTHER OUTSIDE FACTORS......Page 146
OTHER PEOPLE......Page 149
A THIRD PERSON IN A TWO-SEATER......Page 151
THE TRANSITION PERSON......Page 152
THE AFFAIR PERSON......Page 154
THE MAINTENANCE PERSON......Page 158
NEEDS AND WANTS......Page 161
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN NEEDS AND WANTS......Page 162
MEETING MY NEEDS AND WANTS......Page 163
MATCHING OUR ROLES WITH OUR NEEDS......Page 165
SIMILAR WANTS AND NEEDS......Page 167
IN OR OUTSIDE THE RELATIONSHIP......Page 170
OVER-ESTIMATING OUR  EXPECTATIONS OF EACH OTHER......Page 172
LIMITED ASSUMPTIONS......Page 173
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCES......Page 175
EXPECTATIONS AND DEPENDENCE......Page 177
WHAT ARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS......Page 178
LET OTHERS KNOW WHAT YOU EXPECT......Page 181
SOCIAL SANCTIONING......Page 183
CO-, IN-, AND INTER-DEPENDENCE......Page 184
BOUNDARIES AND CONTROL......Page 191
VALUES: FOUNDATIONS FOR BOUNDARIES......Page 192
NEGOTIATING BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS......Page 196
ONLY ONE “SHOULD”......Page 197
FUNCTIONAL AND DYSFUNCTIONAL CONTROLS......Page 199
ACTIVE AND PASSIVE CONTROL......Page 200
PERCEIVED CONTROL......Page 202
INTERNAL AND EXTERNAL CONTROL......Page 204
LIFESTYLES......Page 207
INDIVIDUAL LIFESTYLES AND  RELATIONSHIP LIFESTYLES......Page 209
FUNCTIONAL AND DYSFUNCTIONAL LIFESTYLES......Page 213
CONTROL YOUR RELATIONSHIP LIFESTYLE......Page 215
COMMUNICATION STYLES......Page 216
LIVING A LIE......Page 219
MONETARY AND EQUITY ISSUES......Page 221
VALUES AND ATTITUDES......Page 223
WORTH AND MEANING......Page 225
EQUITABLE EQUITY......Page 226
MONETARY AND EQUITY ISSUES THAT COUPLES IN LONG-TERM RELATIONSHIPS NEED TO PAY ATTENTION TO......Page 230
PROBLEMS......Page 235
SOLVABLE PROBLEMS......Page 236
UNSOLVABLE PROBLEMS......Page 239
MAKING PROBLEMS LESS PROBLEMATIC......Page 241
ABUSE......Page 243
SEPARATION......Page 245
FIGHTING WELL......Page 246
RELATIONSHIP SKILLS......Page 251
ESTABLISHING, MAINTAINING AND ENDING SKILLS......Page 253
EMPATHY (LISTENING) SKILLS......Page 257
IMPORTANCE OF COPING SKILLS......Page 263
SEEING A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, THERAPIST OR FAMILY MEDIATOR......Page 267
SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP......Page 271
WHAT ARE YOUR GOALS......Page 276
ONE THERAPIST, ONE CLIENT......Page 278
WANTS AND WILLINGNESSES......Page 280
WILLINGNESS TO WORK......Page 281
REAL VERSUS SOCIAL RECOVERY......Page 282
WHAT ARE MY/OUR OPTIONS?......Page 285
HOW A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR, THERAPIST OR FAMILY MEDIATOR CAN BE HELPFUL TO YOU......Page 287
RESPONSIBILITY: CAUSE ⇔ CURE; PAST ⇔ FUTURE......Page 288
APPRECIATION AND UNDERSTANDING......Page 290
I COULD DO – YOU COULD DO......Page 292
ANALYZE THE LOVE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP......Page 294
STRUCTURE YOUR SCHEDULE, INCLUDING  TIME FOR PSYCHOLOGICAL VACATIONS......Page 297
MEDIATION AS AN ALTERNATIVE  TO COUNSELING AND THERAPY......Page 299
BENEFITS OF SUPPORT GROUPS......Page 301
WE HELP YOU HELP YOURSELF......Page 303
AVOID QUICK-FIX TEMPTATIONS......Page 304
AVOID SUBCONSCIOUS SABOTAGE......Page 305
STAY FOCUSED ON THE PRESENT......Page 306
STAGES OF CHANGE EFFORTS......Page 307
PROGRESS MAY BE SLOW AND GRADUAL......Page 310
REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: BEHAVIOR AND EMOTIONS......Page 312
THE DOWNSIDE OF AN UPSWING......Page 315
WHEN TO COME BACK......Page 317
REFLECTIONS......Page 321
DOORKNOB ISSUES......Page 327
ABOUT THE AUTHORS......Page 329
SUBJECT INDEX
......Page 333