Living Happily Ever After: Putting Reality into Your Romance

Contents......Page 6
About the author......Page 12
Acknowledgements......Page 14
Solving the problems you have now......Page 16
Introduction......Page 24
1 Planning for \'happily ever after\': Have I looked at my complex relationship?......Page 28
Be ready to change for the better......Page 31
Planning is the key......Page 32
Finding our way in the relationship maze......Page 34
Just getting married is not the answer......Page 36
Life is a series of contracts......Page 37
Every relationship is a contract......Page 40
Yes, you can make your relationship better......Page 43
Contracts for marriage are not new......Page 45
The well-thought-out agreement – before and during the relationship......Page 46
What are the areas which generally need understanding – and possibly negotiation......Page 52
If we don\'t do it, will the government require us to develop contractual agreements?......Page 53
2 Am I still \'in love\'? Have I looked at the realities of loving?......Page 58
What is love?......Page 61
Other definitions of love......Page 63
The kinds of love......Page 65
The need for love......Page 70
How love develops......Page 72
The ingredients of love......Page 75
Mistaking infatuation for love......Page 79
Self-test on love......Page 84
3 In the contract – Who are you? Do I really know me?......Page 88
Self-esteem......Page 91
The basics of our personalities......Page 93
The doers – the power people......Page 94
The feelers – the loving people......Page 95
The experiencers – the meaning people......Page 96
What do these mean to a relationship?......Page 97
Power versus love......Page 98
The rapid changing of our society......Page 100
Having an honest feeling of self-esteem......Page 102
The consequences of low self-esteem......Page 103
Understanding your values......Page 104
Keeping your identity and pursuing your own goals......Page 108
Self-tests......Page 23
Self-evaluation of the love–power–meaning areas......Page 112
Similarities and differences in backgrounds......Page 116
How I feel mentally and socially......Page 120
4 Understanding our adjustments: Do I really understand us?......Page 122
How we see ourselves......Page 124
Stresses......Page 126
Adjusting to stresses......Page 127
Normal and abnormal behaviour......Page 129
Everyone makes adjustments......Page 132
Some common patterns of adjusting......Page 133
Attacking reality – the fighting approach......Page 135
Types of attacking behaviour......Page 137
Types of withdrawing behaviour – the fleeing approach......Page 141
Forgetting reality......Page 142
Distorting reality......Page 143
Atoning for reality......Page 147
Retreating from reality......Page 152
5 The psychological contract in marriage: The obvious and the hidden aspects of our relationships......Page 158
The psychological contract......Page 161
Their concerns which they had talked about and were aware of......Page 165
Conscious but not verbalised concerns......Page 167
Unconscious (so it can\'t be talked about)......Page 173
Our minds......Page 174
Finding the realities......Page 178
Our pasts are important for our futures......Page 179
6 What do you want from your relationship: Are my needs being met?......Page 182
Finding our dream......Page 183
Your mate......Page 186
Aging and changing......Page 187
We bring our expectations with us......Page 190
Intimacy......Page 192
Should all close relationships be marriages?......Page 193
Do I want a long-term commitment for the right reasons?......Page 194
Roles in marriage......Page 197
The dynamics of a marriage relationship......Page 204
Seeing things the same way......Page 208
Personality style......Page 212
My desires within the marriage......Page 214
Interests......Page 216
7 Understanding the sexual contract: Have things changed sexually for you?......Page 220
Negative changes in our relationship contracts......Page 222
Why we have sex......Page 226
How important is sex anyway?......Page 228
Common reasons for changes in the desire for physical intimacy......Page 229
Being better in bed......Page 231
Straying from the sexual contract......Page 233
What about extramarital sex (adultery)?......Page 234
So, what can we do?......Page 241
Self-test on sexuality and sexual preferences......Page 242
8 Biological forces and your sexuality: What controls and stimulates your body and mind?......Page 244
Some physiological influences on our sexual interests and abilities......Page 246
Neurotransmitters......Page 248
Hormones......Page 254
Endorphins......Page 267
Pheromones......Page 268
Orgasm......Page 269
Our sexual desires – as we age......Page 271
Chemical help......Page 272
Making love, not war......Page 273
Something to think about......Page 274
More severe psychological problems relating to sex......Page 276
Common, and not so common, sexual practices......Page 278
Sexual problems and the marriage contract......Page 287
9 Effective communication: Why can\'t I get through to my mate?......Page 290
Positive communication......Page 293
Communication......Page 295
Gender traditions and communication styles......Page 297
You must be mature......Page 299
Keeping the relationship positive makes communication easier......Page 301
Romance comes from the positives in your relationship......Page 305
Cooperating in individual and relationship goals......Page 307
Developing and changing your relationship contract......Page 309
Skills necessary for effective communication......Page 311
Is there really a way to solve our problems?......Page 324
Occasionally, we have ruts in the road to romance......Page 327
Handling the day-to-day annoyances......Page 329
Anger......Page 330
Larger problems......Page 331
Is it a problem for our relationship?......Page 334
Solving relationship disagreements and conflicts......Page 336
Watch that power drive!......Page 350
Scientific problem solving......Page 352
Listening skills......Page 355
The solutions......Page 357
Seeking professional help......Page 360
Epilogue: Realistic romance......Page 364
C......Page 368
H......Page 369
P......Page 370
S......Page 371
V......Page 372