Life Wants You Dead: A Calm, Rational, and Totally Legit Guide to Scaring Yourself Safe

Cover
Emergency: Phone Numbers
Title Page
Image Credits
Copyright
Contents
Introduction: Stay Scared, Stay Safe
Chapter 1. Your Body: It Isn’t a F*cking Wonderland, John Mayer: The Human Body is the Most Elegant Machine Ever Created. Unfortunately, It’s Controlled By Our Greatest Enemy: Ourselves.
	The Only Thing Keeping Your Skeleton Inside Is the Fear That  Someone Will Play Its Ribs Like a Xylophone
	QUIZ: How Punchable Is Your Face?
	Is the Man in the Mirror Stalking You?
	Rocket Skates and Anvils from Above: A Crash Course on Avoiding Looney Tunes Injuries
	The Real Danger of Puberty: Growth Spurts Are Your Body’s Attempt to Chop You Up in the Ceiling Fan
	Making Your Body Taste Bad to Cannibals
	Skin: What’s It Hiding Under There?
	The Interrogation Room: Neil deGrasse Tyson on Why He Studied Astrophysics Like a Dumbass When This Chapter Needs an Expert on the Body
	Sealing Your Anus, and Other Ways to Make Sure Food Doesn’t Leave with Your Nutrients
	Lupus: What If It Gets a Gun?
Chapter 2. Love: They’re Trying to Steal Your Heart!!!: While It May be Tempting to Connect with Other People, Breaking Down Your Emotional Walls Can Leave Your Heart Dangerously Exposed. Cupid Never Sleeps, and He’s Got a Quiver Full of Arrows to Shoot at Your Crotch.
	A UFC Fighter on How to Protect from Being Swept Off Your Feet
	Swoon at Your Own Risk: The Butterflies in Your Stomach Will Lay Eggs
	Alternative Marriage Proposals That Don’t Involve Lowering Your Head: A Begrudgingly Offered List
	Kama Sutra Positions That Leave You Satisfied and Safe-Isfied
	The Interrogation Room: If Mario Has Wario, Cupid Must Have Wupid—An Exclusive Chat with the Bizarro Cherub Whose Arrows Break Couples Up
	Youth Booth Activity Page
	Other “The Talks” You Need to Have with Your Kids
Chapter 3. Home Is Where the Harm Is: You’re in a Hallway to Hell: It’s Understandable to want to Relax in Your Own Home. Understandable and Dumb. Stay Vigilant or Become the Bloody Tale Realtors Downplay to Flip “the Murder House.”
	Trojan Horse or Regular Horse?
	Buying Two Mean Dogs So Each Can Protect You from the Other
	Protect Your Pantry: Ways to Subdue Cereal Mascots When They Jump Off the Box
	This Is Ducky’s Tub, Capisce?
	Easy Now: Your Enchanted Dinnerware That Sings and Dances Like Shit Lashes Out When Critiqued
	Castrating Your Topiary Animals, and Other Ways to Make Sure They Don’t Reproduce
	Neighborhood Should-Be-a-CrimeWatch
	The Interrogation Room: My Homeowners’ Association on Why They Won’t Approve a Moat
	Pinched-Face Uggos Beware: Exterminators Will Kill Anything That Looks Mousy
Chapter 4. Go Go Gadget Death: Surviving the Techpocalypse: Thanks to Technology, We Have More Information than Ever at Our Fingertips, but that Just Makes Our Toetips Jealous That Our Shoes Don’t Have Wi-Fi. In this Chapter, You Will Learn that the Web is a Minefield of Predators and Redditors Just Waiting to Weaponize Your Search History, Even Though You Only Googled “WALL-E Porn” as a Joke.
	Igniting a Firewall, and Other PC Protections
	Low-Key Dangerous: Navigating the Keyboard Minefield
	How to Reduce Screen Time by Hiring Rocco, an Unhinged Ex-Bouncer Who Smacks Your Devices Out of Your Hand
	When the Tech Bubble Bursts, the Devices Will Rain Down and Bonk Us Good!
	Ruining Your Credit So No One Wants to Steal Your Identity
	Worse Than Revenge Porn: Why Posting Clips of My Crappy Band from High School Should Be Illegal
	Grand Theft Amygdala: The Heinous Things Video Games Make You Do
	The Interrogation Room: Mario Bros. Creator Shigeru Miyamoto on Whether 1-Up Mushrooms Give You an Extra Life in the Real World
	Drop the Hate: The Makers of Tetris Should Be Ashamed If They Ever Introduce a Swastika-Shaped Piece
	Being Nice to Your Smart Thermostat So It Doesn’t Burn You Alive
	Making Artificial Intelligence Dumber by Having It Spend Time with Cousin Clem
Chapter 5. The Hippocratic Hoax: Defeating the Medical Menace: Doctors: They’re Supposed to Keep Us Alive, Yet They’re Always Around When We Die. Pricking, Poking, Lancing, Lopping—They Depress Your Tongue to Suppress the Truth: That Medicine is Murder and Surgery is Body Burglary.
	You First: Operating on Your Surgeon to Test Out the Equipment
	Vacci-No-Thank-You: Alternative Methods to Strengthen Your Immune System
	Ways to Stop Your Therapist from Blackmailing You
	Swallowing a Fishhook, and Other Ways to Yoink Diseases Out
	The Big Tooth with Teeth: Does It Want Even More Teeth?
	The Interrogation Room: Centaur Michael Pollan on Whether I Should Stop Macrodosing Acid
	Youth Booth: The Do-It-Yourself Boo-Boo Kisser!
Chapter 6. Mind-Fucked: How Education Kills: Every Day, Our Schools Teach the Three Rs: Reading, Writing, and Reprogramming Minds. Now Sit Up Straight and Spit Out Your Gum. It’s Time to “Unlearn” Everything You “Think” You “Know” “About” “Education.” (I Dropped Out Before the Unit on Quotation Marks.)
	Unhealthy School Lunches Are Killing Our Kids’ Tapeworms
	Art Students Are Making Macaroni Necklaces That Choke Their Hungry Parents
	Hook ’Em Young and They’re Yours Forever: How Kindergarten Is Creating a Generation of Sticker Addicts
	Sexually Transmitted Distrust: Sex-Ed Teachers Are a Product of Unprotected Sex!
	Youth Booth: The Unlearning Annex
	The Interrogation Room: Zadie Smith on Why Can’t Books Just Have Movies in There?
	Interpreting That Sock on Your Dorm Room Doorknob: A Translation Guide
Chapter 7. Be the Fear You Want to Flee in the World: If You’re Not Producing Fear in Others, Then You’re Absorbing Fear from them. That Means You’re Losing. So I will be Your One-Man Pit Crew, Stripping Your Conscience and Filling You up with bad Vibes Until You Emerge with Leper Energy and Spiritual Stink Lines.
	You Can Do Anything If You Believe in Yourself and Lie a Lot
	He Who Dies with the Most Limbs Wins
	Reckless Driver’s License Test
	Standing behind NBA Players, and Other Ways to Create Shadows to Emerge From
	The Interrogation Room: I Pay Homage to Global Warming for Shifting Scare Culture
	From the Dirkwatch Archives: Dirk’s Leaked Disneyland File
Conclusion: It’s the End of the Book as We Know It, and I Fear Dying
	Acknowledgments
	About the Author
	About the Illustrator
	About the Type
	The Subconsciousway System
	Back Cover