Building a Parenting Agreement That Works: How to Put Your Kids First When Your Marriage Doesn't Last (2007)

Table of Contents......Page 9
Introduction......Page 15
Make Your Own Custody Decisions If Possible......Page 16
Balancing Parenting and Financial Issues......Page 17
Why This Book Is Unique......Page 18
A Word to Skeptics......Page 19
What If You Just Want to Fight?......Page 20
Part I: Getting Started......Page 23
1. Taking Stock of Your Situation......Page 25
Keep Your Parenting Plan Focused on Your Children......Page 26
It Gets Easier Over Time......Page 27
Learn How to Negotiate......Page 29
If There Is Violence or Abuse in the Family......Page 30
2. An Introduction to Parenting Agreements......Page 33
Advantages of Parent-Negotiated Agreements......Page 34
Goals of a Successful Parenting Agreement......Page 35
Parenting Agreements and Custody......Page 37
3. Getting Organized......Page 39
Organize and Review Documents......Page 40
Completing the Worksheets......Page 41
Sample Worksheets......Page 43
4. How to Negotiate a Parenting Agreement......Page 51
Knowing What You Need and Want......Page 53
When Conflict Gets in the Way......Page 54
Using Effective Negotiation and Problem-Solving Strategies......Page 60
Breaking Through Impasses......Page 65
Knowing Where to Get Help and Support......Page 69
Part II: Your Parenting Agreement......Page 74
5. Building Your Agreement......Page 75
Where to Begin......Page 76
Get Outside Help......Page 77
Keep Your Agreement Current......Page 78
6. Basic Elements......Page 79
Issue 1: Where Our Children Will Live......Page 81
Issue 2: Medical, Dental, and Vision Care......Page 89
Issue 3: Negative Comments or Remarks......Page 91
Issue 4: Consistency in Raising Children......Page 92
Issue 5: Holidays......Page 93
Issue 6: Education......Page 95
Issue 7: Insurance......Page 99
Issue 8: Making Decisions......Page 101
Issue 9: Resolving Disputes......Page 104
Issue 10: Labeling the Custody Arrangement......Page 108
7. Finishing Touches......Page 113
Issue 11: Exchanging Information......Page 115
Issue 12: Child Care......Page 117
Issue 13: Special Occasions and Family Events......Page 120
Issue 14: Vacations......Page 121
Issue 15: Outside Activities......Page 122
Issue 16: Transportation Between Parents’ Homes......Page 123
Issue 17: Improving Transition Times......Page 125
Issue 18: Maintaining Contact......Page 127
Issue 19: Grandparents, Relatives, and Important Friends......Page 130
Issue 20: Psychiatric and Other Mental Health Care......Page 131
Issue 21: Religious Training......Page 132
Issue 22: Surname......Page 134
Issue 23: Treating Each Child as an Individual......Page 135
Issue 24: Separating the Adult Relationship Issues From the Parenting Issues......Page 136
Issue 25: Making Routine Changes......Page 138
Issue 26: Making Big Changes......Page 140
Issue 27: Explaining the Agreement to Your Children......Page 141
8. Serious Issues......Page 143
Issue 28: Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, and Child Neglect......Page 144
Issue 29: Alcohol or Drug Abuse......Page 149
Issue 30: Undermining the Parent-Child Relationship......Page 151
Issue 31: Denying Access to the Children......Page 152
Issue 32: If Extended Family Members or Close Friends Are Fueling the Dispute......Page 153
9. Special Issues and Complicating Factors......Page 157
Issue 33: Moving......Page 159
Issue 34: When Parenting Styles and Values Differ......Page 164
Issue 35: When a Parent Needs to Develop Parenting Skills......Page 167
Issue 36: When Parents Have New Partners......Page 168
Issue 37: If Our Homes Are Far Apart......Page 170
Issue 38: When Nonrelatives Live in the Home......Page 171
Issue 39: Reinvolving a Parent Who Has Been Absent......Page 172
Issue 40: Driving and Owning a Car, Motorcycle, or Off-Road Vehicle......Page 174
Issue 41: International Travel and Passports......Page 176
Issue 42: Military Service......Page 177
Issue 43: Allowing Underage Marriage......Page 178
Part III: Beyond Your Parenting Agreement......Page 179
10. Child Support, Alimony, and Jointly Owned Property......Page 181
Understanding Child Support......Page 182
Understanding Alimony or Spousal Support......Page 185
Negotiating Child and Spousal Support......Page 188
Dividing Jointly Owned Property......Page 189
11. Making Mediation and Arbitration Work for You......Page 191
Why Mediation Works......Page 192
Proposing Mediation......Page 193
Understanding Basic Mediation Techniques......Page 194
Why Mediation Works in Very Difficult Cases......Page 199
What Mediators Don’t Do......Page 201
Choosing Between Court-Ordered and Private Mediation......Page 202
Custody Evaluations......Page 203
Choosing a Mediator......Page 204
Preparing for Mediation......Page 205
If You Can’t Reach an Agreement......Page 206
Alternatives to Mediation......Page 207
12. Dealing With Changes in Your Agreement......Page 209
Why Changes Are Necessary—And How to Handle Them......Page 210
When You Are the One Initiating Change......Page 211
When You Are the One Responding to a Request for Change......Page 212
When Tensions Are Running High......Page 213
What to Do After You Negotiate the Changes......Page 214
13. Understanding Your Children’s Needs......Page 215
Strategies for Your Children at Any Age......Page 216
Strategies for Your Children at Different Ages and Developmental Stages......Page 221
Strategies for Children With Special Needs......Page 225
14. Multiracial, Multicultural, and International Families......Page 227
Accommodating Differences in Child-Rearing Practices......Page 228
Sorting Out the Role of Power Within the Family......Page 229
Working Within the American Legal System......Page 230
Deciding Whether Another Country Has Authority Over Parenting (Custody) Issues......Page 231
15. Nontraditional Families......Page 233
What Are Nontraditional Families?......Page 234
The Legal Relationship of a Nontraditional Parent and His or Her Children......Page 235
Recognizing the Nontraditional Parent’s Role......Page 238
Creating New Relationships After the Divorce or Separation......Page 239
16. State and Federal Laws Affecting Child Custody......Page 241
Custody and Visitation......Page 242
Best Interests of the Child......Page 244
Mediation......Page 249
Interstate Custody Disputes......Page 251
International Custody Disputes......Page 252
Custody and the IRS......Page 253
17. Help Beyond the Book......Page 255
Researching Legal Issues......Page 257
Researching Nonlegal Issues......Page 260
Research on the Internet......Page 261
Finding Professionals Who Can Help......Page 262
Additional Resources......Page 267
Bibliography......Page 270
Appendix: Tear-Out Forms......Page 273
Worksheet 1: Describe Your Child......Page 275
Worksheet 2: Describe Your Relationship With Your Child......Page 277
Worksheet 3: Adding the Details......Page 281
Worksheet 4: Checklist of Issues for Your Parenting Agreement......Page 285
Parenting Agreement......Page 291
Index......Page 333