Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How to Say No

Cover......Page 1
Contents......Page 6
Acknowledgments......Page 7
Part One - What Are Boundaries?......Page 9
6:00 A.M.......Page 11
8:45 A.M.......Page 13
11:59 A.M.......Page 14
4:30 P.M.......Page 15
6:30 P.M.......Page 17
7:00 P.M.......Page 18
11:30 P.M.......Page 19
What’s the Problem?......Page 22
2. What Does a Boundary Look Like?......Page 25
Me and Not Me......Page 27
To and For......Page 28
Good In, Bad Out......Page 29
God and Boundaries......Page 30
Examples of Boundaries......Page 31
What’s Within My Boundaries?......Page 36
Compliants: Saying “Yes” to the Bad......Page 47
Avoidants: Saying “No” to the Good......Page 50
Controllers: Not Respecting Others’ Boundaries......Page 51
Nonresponsives: Not Hearing the Needs of Others......Page 55
Functional and Relational Boundary Issues......Page 57
4. How Boundaries Are Developed......Page 59
Boundary Development......Page 60
Bonding: The Foundation of Boundary Building......Page 61
Separation and Individuation: The Construction of a Soul......Page 63
Hatching: “Mommy and Me Aren’t the Same”......Page 65
Practicing: “I Can Do Anything!”......Page 66
Rapprochement: “I Can’t Do Everything”......Page 68
Boundary Injuries: What Goes Wrong?......Page 72
5. Ten Laws of Boundaries......Page 81
Law #1: The Law of Sowing and Reaping......Page 82
Law #2: The Law of Responsibility......Page 84
Law #3: The Law of Power......Page 85
Law #4: The Law of Respect......Page 87
Law #5: The Law of Motivation......Page 88
Law #6: The Law of Evaluation......Page 91
Law #7: The Law of Proactivity......Page 93
Law #8: The Law of Envy......Page 95
Law #9: The Law of Activity......Page 97
Law #10: The Law of Exposure......Page 98
Myth #1: If I Set Boundaries, I’m Being Selfish......Page 101
Myth #2: Boundaries Are a Sign of Disobedience......Page 103
Myth #3: If I Begin Setting Boundaries, I Will Be Hurt by Others......Page 105
Myth #4: If I Set Boundaries, I Will Hurt Others......Page 108
Myth #5: Boundaries Mean That I Am Angry......Page 109
Myth #6: When Others Set Boundaries, It Injures Me......Page 113
Myth #7: Boundaries Cause Feelings of Guilt......Page 116
Myth #8: Boundaries Are Permanent, and I’m Afraid of Burning My Bridges......Page 118
Part Two - Boundary Conflicts......Page 119
7. Boundaries and Your Family......Page 121
Signs of a Lack of Boundaries......Page 122
But Why Do We Do That?......Page 128
Resolution of Boundary Problems with Family......Page 131
Conflict #1: Compliant/Compliant......Page 135
Conflict #2: Compliant/Aggressive Controller......Page 137
Conflict #3: Compliant/Manipulative Controller......Page 139
Conflict #4: Compliant/Nonresponsive......Page 140
Questions about Friendship Boundary Conflicts......Page 142
Is This Yours, Mine, or Ours?......Page 148
Applying the Laws of Boundaries to Marriage......Page 153
But That Doesn’t Sound Submissive......Page 158
A Question of Balance......Page 160
Resolution......Page 162
10. Boundaries and Your Children......Page 165
The Importance of Family......Page 166
Boundaries and Responsibility......Page 167
Boundary Development in Children......Page 168
The Boundary Needs of Children......Page 171
Seasonal Boundaries: Age-Appropriate Limits Training......Page 182
Types of Discipline......Page 189
11. Boundaries and Work......Page 191
Work and Character Development......Page 192
Problems in the Workplace......Page 193
Finding Your Life’s Work......Page 204
12. Boundaries and Your Self......Page 206
Our Out-of-Control Soul......Page 207
Why Doesn’t My “No” Work?......Page 213
Establishing Boundaries with Yourself......Page 217
If You Are a Victim......Page 224
Boundaries as an Aid to the Victim......Page 225
13. Boundaries and God......Page 226
Respecting Boundaries......Page 227
Respecting His Boundaries......Page 229
A Real Relationship......Page 232
Part Three - Developing Healthy Boundaries......Page 235
14. Resistance to Boundaries......Page 237
Outside Resistance......Page 238
Internal Resistances......Page 250
15. How to Measure Success with Boundaries......Page 267
Step #1: Resentment—Our Early-Warning Signal......Page 268
Step #2: A Change of Tastes—Becoming Drawn to Boundary-Lovers......Page 270
Step #3: Joining the Family......Page 272
Step #4: Treasuring Our Treasures......Page 273
Step #5: Practicing Baby No’s......Page 275
Step #6: Rejoicing in the Guilty Feelings......Page 276
Step #7: Practicing Grownup No’s......Page 277
Step #8: Rejoicing in the Absence of Guilty Feelings......Page 279
Step #10: Freeing Our No and Our Yes......Page 280
Step #11: Mature Boundaries—Value-Driven Goal Setting......Page 282
6:00 A.M.......Page 285
7:15 A.M.......Page 286
8:45 A.M.......Page 287
11:59 A.M.......Page 288
4:00 P.M.......Page 289
6:30 P.M.......Page 290
7:00 P.M.......Page 291
9:30 P.M.......Page 292
10:15 P.M.......Page 293
Notes......Page 295
About the Authors......Page 297
Excerpts From Other Books......Page 298
Boundaries in Marriage......Page 299
1. What's a Boudary, Anyway?......Page 300
The Importance of Boundaries......Page 301
Ownership......Page 303
Responsibility......Page 305
Freedom......Page 307
The Triangle of Boundaries......Page 309
Protection......Page 310
Self-Control......Page 312
Words......Page 313
Truth......Page 314
Consequences......Page 315
Physical Distance......Page 316
Other People......Page 317
Stephanie......Page 318
Boundaries with Kids......Page 321
1. The Future is Now......Page 322
Preventive Medicine......Page 325
Children Are Not Born with Boundaries......Page 327
Guardian......Page 328
Manager......Page 329
Source......Page 330
Learning to Take Responsibility......Page 331
Boundaries in Dating......Page 333
No Kids Allowed......Page 334
Problems in Freedom and Responsibility......Page 335
A Property Line......Page 336
Examples of Boundaries......Page 337
What’s Inside Your Boundaries......Page 338
Not Dating......Page 339
Sexual Impropriety......Page 340
Take-Away Tips......Page 341
The Mom Factor......Page 342
1. What About Mom, Anyhow?......Page 343
What's Wrong?......Page 344
Does it Have to be This Way?......Page 346
Two Considerations......Page 347
Leftover Feelings......Page 348
Patterns of Relating......Page 350
The Mothering Process......Page 351
Responding to Mothering......Page 353
Our Assumptions......Page 354
About the Publisher......Page 356