Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism

Introduction: Boogers Are My Beat......Page 2
A Wacky Path for Politics......Page 3
Wrong! It Wasn’t Humphrey......Page 4
Why Not Poke a Hole in a Candidate’s Eyeball?......Page 5
Now It’s Time to Say Thanks For the Chads That Don’t Count......Page 6
Party Time, Texas-Style: Even the Cows Had a Ball......Page 8
It’s Party Time, As Philly Gets Phunky......Page 9
Party Politics: Reporters Get Invited to Some, Crash Others......Page 10
“Rolling Roll Call” Makes Bad Idea Last Even Longer......Page 12
Encounter with Falwell Gets Surprisingly Intimate......Page 13
George W. Survives His GOP Convention Speech......Page 14
Real People, Real Issues, Full Nudity......Page 15
There’s Glitz, Glamour, the Clintons—but Where’s Al?......Page 16
Campaign Trail, Freeways, Finally Lead to a Vast Parking Lot......Page 17
Joe Goes Hollywood As Al Plans to Be “Riveting”......Page 19
Now It’s Safe to Do Some Unconventional Thinking......Page 20
Call Security: The Torch Is on Fire!......Page 21
Frozen Lips, Barefoot Skaters—and Who Let All Those Dogs Out?......Page 22
For a Weird Cult, They’re Pretty Friendly......Page 23
Competitive Ski Jumping Is a Weighty Issue......Page 24
Gosh! Heck! Utahans Angry About Skating......Page 25
Don’t Trust Any Judge with Two First Names......Page 26
Buses and Mucus: International Snits Become Inevitable......Page 28
In a Battle of Wits with Kitchen Appliances, I’m Toast......Page 29
Camping at Wal-Mart Parking Lot Is Survival of Fittest......Page 31
War on Smoking Always Has Room for Another Lawyer......Page 32
Fill Out the Census and Win Your Own Bureaucracy......Page 34
Choice Between Death and Taxes Gets Easier and Easier......Page 35
Don’t Forget to Consider Feng Shui—and Other Deck Tips......Page 37
Was It “Hi-ho” or “Hi-yo,” or Did the Lone Ranger Have a Lisp?......Page 38
Who Was That Masked Social Security Recipient?......Page 40
He Didn’t Just Buy a House—He Bought a Home Repair Industry......Page 42
How to Drive a Man Wild with Desire? Even a Stiff Breeze Works......Page 43
Your Child Deserves a Halloween Costume by Calvin Klein......Page 44
100 Years of Solitude, Waiting for Customer Service......Page 47
Don’t Fear to Tread: Laying Tile Just Requires Stick-to-itiveness......Page 48
Terror on Flight 611—There’s a Baby on Board, Ready to Shriek......Page 49
Humvee Satisfies a Man’s Lust for Winches......Page 51
Dead or Alive, Turkeys Can Fowl Up Your Life......Page 52
By the Way, Those Turkey Snakes Have Giant Fangs, Too......Page 53
A GPS Helps a Guy Always Know Where His Couch Is......Page 55
Road to Romantic Ruin Paved with Chain Saws......Page 56
Nice Words About the IRS on the Way to Leavenworth......Page 58
Daddy’s Little Girl a Republican Barbie......Page 59
Onward, Upward Go the Sherpa and Schlepper......Page 60
Considerate Guests Use the Gas Station Bathroom......Page 63
Ban Cellphones—Unless You’re Attacked by a Giant Squid......Page 64
Quality! Craftsmanship! Service Contract!......Page 65
At 17 (Months), Her Music Tastes Match Dad’s......Page 67
He’s Got a Broom and He’s Not Afraid to Use It......Page 68
There’s No Denying Nature’s Wake-up Call......Page 69
Grab Your Pajamas, It’s World Series Time......Page 71
Burger King Puts Workers’ Feet to the Fire—Literally......Page 73
A Truly Terrifying Act: Doing the Hokey Pokey for Airport Security......Page 74
Owner’s Manual Step No. 1: Bang Head Against the Wall......Page 75
Cap ‘n’ Gown? I’ll Take the Burger ‘n’ Fries......Page 76
Fitting Into That Bikini Is Easy As (Eating) Pie......Page 78
Don’t Mean a Thing If It Ain’t Got That Swing......Page 79
Get the (Birthday) Party Started......Page 81
It’s Oscar Time—Prepare the Blow Darts......Page 83
Supersize Your Fries with This Column?......Page 85
North Dakota Wants Its Place in the Sun......Page 86
There’s a Hoover Dam… and Now, the Dave Sewage Lifter......Page 87
N.D.’s New Barry Building Takes Your Breath Away......Page 89
Steve’s Schnapps Kept the Frost Off Dave’s Bobber......Page 90
Send in Your Weasel Jokes (Unless You’re Canadian)......Page 92
Penelope Cruz Is NOT Having Dave’s Baby......Page 93
Learning to Love the Computer, Warts and All......Page 94
It’s All About Cloning, Not Clowning......Page 96
Book-Tour Blues: My Kingdom for a 100-Watt Lightbulb......Page 98
Just for Being Americans…......Page 99
Hallowed Ground......Page 101
About the Author......Page 107